A Paper I Wrote that I'm Rather Fond Of

Not so Anonymous Alcoholics

“Get your papers here! Get your papers here! The Top Story today: 6 teachers from Haslett, Michigan have a rowdy summer night. Everybody was drinking and feeling alright – Get your papers here! Read all about the disorderly antics of adults gone wild!”

The photos in the paper reveal a sordid night. There’s an intoxicated woman on the floor, and her skin is all a mess. Two men hover above her with markers in hand, and who is that masked marauder catching it all on film? It’s a scene the reader would expect from an online journal at a frat house. But whoa – wait a tick – that inebriated chic is getting marked up by alleged pillars of the community! Those “dudes” are teachers, and they’re totally wasted! Sure, the images of men drawing on a passed out woman could have a surly and sinister feel to them, but this behavior isn’t anything new. It’s been in the spot light for centuries. If having a good time is wrong, then what can be done to make it right?

Were the Ancient Greeks wrong for worshipping a god of wine, I think not. Dionysus is the god who loved to party with the fruit of the vine. He also awarded the world the philosophical question – What is living, if one doesn’t love a good ol’ fashioned night of drunken debauchery? Twirling and spinning followers in togas, all of them dancing, and doing their best to not spill their cup of wine. That was well over a thousand years ago, and we’re still having toga parties today. There’s nothing like it. Everyone is the hero of the moment when participating in keg stands. Who cares if they are dropped on their face amidst laughter and spouting beer; it’s so much fun! Parties are also a great place to meet new people! Two strangers meet in the hallway while standing in line to pee. Their bladders, all but forgotten, they commence to finalizing a one night stand. It’s such a wonderful feeling to wake up the morning after to gaze into the eyes of a man/woman, and search for any sign of familiarity through the fog of a killer hangover. Sheepish grins meet bashful gazes as they search for their missing pants. For a few moments the two commoners hold court as king and queen in a living room of snickering subjects. Isn’t this the life? If only it could be this way forever!

For the privileged few it can be. All we have to do is watch TV to learn how it’s done. According to The Journal of Studies on Alcohol, between the hours of 7 and 11pm approximately 43% of situation comedies and dramatic series show characters consuming alcohol (Mathios 1). Here we can see show after show promenading alcohol as the ultimate pheromone to attract a potential mate. Anyone can be the man that gets the girl, or the girl that gets the guy! All we have to do is find the right ratio of alcohol to self-esteem. Not sure as to how much is too much? Try Nick at Nite, there are plenty of reruns to choose from than can help us get on our way. There we will rediscover Cheers, Roseanne, All in the Family, and The Simpsons. Those quirky characters make it look so easy. The more they drink, the more they cut loose and lose their inhibitions. The pot-of-gold is not waiting at the end of a rainbow, but at the bottom of an empty bottle! What are we waiting for?! Let’s run to the liquor store or bar of choice now; there are plenty of clerks standing by to serve all our alcohol consumption needs.

Bar tenders, bar maids, and beer wenches, oh MY! Pull up a stool, and sit a spell. Mad at the boss? Is the old ball and chain rattling and nagging? Take a peep from the perch – this is our flock. We’re not alone! Jack, Johnny, Jim, and Jameson – heck, even the Captain is here – and they’re all waiting for us! Mix them, blend them, shake them, stir them, or pour them over ice. If the top shelf isn’t our cup o’ tea, by all means, we’ll have a stein of whatever’s on tap. Why stop at one – have two, or even three!

Don’t fret over this overwhelming desire to consume copious amounts of alcohol; it isn’t our fault. The enticements are sublimated in commercials, magazines, and they’re even waving from Billboards as we drive on by! In David Jernigan’s article, Intoxicating Brands: Alcohol Advertising and Youth, he states that alcohol companies spent over 8 billion dollars between 2001 and 2007 for product advertisements on prime-time TV, major magazines, and heavily populated locations (1). How can we resist posters, which stand over 20ft in the air, with scantily clad women serving up ice cold libations on a silver platter? And then there are the commercials on TV. Everyone seems to have a gee-gosh-golly-great time surrounded by friends and a table full of alcohol. Look at them! They’re all so popular! Wouldn’t it been fun to dance they way they do in the commercials? Let’s revel in the mix with a Mojito in hand, and we won’t stop ‘til we get enough! Or we could be daring and adventurous. All it takes is a leg up with Captain Morgan posing the question, “got a little Captain in you” (Garfield 1)? Stop hesitating and hop off the wagon! Time is of the essence.

This is our time to shine! So what if we’re over thirty, and our job is setting an example for impressionable, young minds? Don’t worry about the newspapers demanding our job, or the newscasters depicting us as villains! The urge to party is only natural in a society that spotlights the glamour permeating about the amber ale. Adults aren’t the only ones watching TV, reading magazines, and riding in cars – so are the kids. If we’re caught with our pants down, or we’re wearing nothing but a wasted smile, don’t sweat it. Remember Otis Campbell on the Andy Griffith Show, Norm from Cheers, and Barney Grumble from the Simpson’s? They’re proof that the town drunk has been lovably accepted for years. If they’re not wrong, neither are we!

Works Cited

Garfield, Bob. “Captain Morgan Spot Gets ‘Responsibility’ Message Just Right.” Advertising Age. 14 July 2008. Web. 3 Nov. 2009.

Jernigan, David. “Intoxicating Brands: Alcohol Advertising and Youth.” Multinational Monitor. July-Aug. 2008. Web. 20 Oct. 2009.

Mathios, Alan, Rosemary Avery, Carol Bisogni, and James Shannon. “Alcohol Portrayl on Prime-Time Television: Manifest and Latent Messages.” Journal of Studies on Alcohol. 59.n3 (May 1998): 305(6). Web. 20 Oct. 2009.